so thats what we're doing... taking it each day as it comes and seeing whether we can make us work again... *sighs* its so not my choice to feel like this, but i have to go with it, for the sake of our relationship. I think deep down we really want to be together, but the surface for her is telling her shes not in love with me anymore.. that really hurts. somedays are better than others, feels a little like an emotional rollercoaster zooming out of control sometimes... too much feeling, too little feeling, mind numbing what-ifs....

part of me feels like i need to have a backup plan.. an escape plan so to speak.. just incase. i cant repeat how i felt this time last year when all the other shit went down, i just... cant go there again. so in a vain attempt to push the pain from a year ago away, im not repeating movements from that time. i wont run to my mums and sleep on her couch, no. i wont attempt to move in with my friend S and then change my mind, no. if it all goes to shit.. there will be something else, something different to back me up. i'll be damned if im going to go down without a fight... not back to where i was a year ago.. that was bad...

so im seeing how it goes, i really really want to be with her (call me crazy but i love her), we're trying and in the passion of the night sometimes trying feels just right.... hehe oo a song! and when u have someone you love to hold, nothing can get you, not even the cold... hahah oh weh... stink!!