I dont know where to start... its almost like I've got this internal narration going on in my head that i just cant turn off right now.. And in that narration I know what I want to say and what thoughts are running through my mind, yet as I put pen to paper, the words just seem to seep away...

I was reading in the bath, something that I haven't done in over 1.5 months... at least.. I'm reading about a boy who grew up in child abuse, its a true story, and how he slowly realised what he wanted and neeed in life.. makes you think. Now i'm lying on my bed, unable to type as I can't get near a computer, M is recording a song for her self released E.P. which is sounding fantastic, and M'd bro is on the other computer that my brother built for him and his wife so that they would have something to use whilst here and might let M and I have more of a chance to get on ours..

So I'm lying here, it sounds so great hey... part of me feels jealous that its not just me that can hear her recording for the first time.. since her bro and his wife arrived, shes shared so much music with them, that only previously used to be shared with me... I dunno i sound selfish and i probably am, but my gut feeling is telling me that as great as it is that they are here and she is finally able to spend some time with her brother that she hasnt been able to much for the past 7 years... I dont want to live with them for the next 2 years. But how do you tell this person you are so madly in love with and adore, that you want to live like a "normal" couple... share everyday experiences with just them and not 2 other people as well. The privacy and intimacy of a day's actions, a new song, a small achievement. How do I tell her? Stuff between us has been hard since they arrived a few arguements.. sometimes more than a few, (its been pretty hard adjusting to having people in your space all the time and we hardly argued at all before they arrived)... but the rough patches were overcome... and here we are today.. still together and I believe very much in love. Things are great between us, she has her new job as a gym membership consultant at a local gym and the timing that it has created for us, a 9-5 job has almost seemed to balance us more and its great.

Its nice to feel that the person you are coming home to, kinda feels the same, tired from a hard days work and wanting to go to sleep around the same kinda time that you do.. instead of the early hours of the morning. I feel like we are a lot closer than we have ever been, due to this, due to talking more about how we feel and whats running through our minds... more than ever.. and im loving it. I just cant shake the feeling that I want to continue to feel like i do now, but in the privacy and intimacy of our "own" home.. just us.. choosing when we see people, enjoying the freedom, quietness and flexibility of our time, feelings and daily routine. Don't get me wrong, i am happy with M... I just don't want to feel happy trapt inside a box I feel like I'm living in... but how do you tell the person you are in love with and love with all your heart, that you dont want to live with their family for the next 2 years without upsetting her? You can't. You know.. its not that i dont like them, I do. I just dont want them to be around all the time.. i dont want to live with them.. god i feel so selfish.. and i dont want to change how happy i feel at the moment or how happy she feels at the moment by bringing up the issue.. and i know that its probably just the honeymoon period she is going through having them here all the time and it will prob change when her bro gets a job and all but.. who knows.. might be a wait and see thing. I think its great that she finally has some family around.. I just dont want to have to share all of our daily lives in other ppls space... hmmm something to think about....... seeping internal narration.... night..