"Maybe its your eyes, maybe its your smile, maybe its your laugh, maybe its how you say goodnight, and sweet dreams, or maybe its just the way you say my name... all of these things should be more than enough proof that I miss and love you like I do..."

So she's gone on tour... left this morning... was really hard for me... i knew it would be though. She was offered about 2 months to go on tour as a support musician (doing her own set first) and backup vocalist for the band... was hard when i first found out.. really hard actually... because of what happened last year, how hurt i got from what happened, you know the whole story.. once bitten, twice shy... plus im really not good at saying goodbye to people i love, even for a short time.. (maybe becoz of old being left in boarding house stuff at the age of 10 with my parents 7500 kms away, affected me more than i thought? who knows...) so it took me awhile to accept, i think its great for her and im really proud of her, its just hard to be the one left behind... with the "what ifs"... but im ok and i know shes doing fabulously so thats cool....

so yeah, was really hard to say goodbye, i was trying to be strong.. and was cool until i went to say goodbye, then the frog in my throat over powered me and the tears escaped streaming down my face whilst i drove away in the opposite direction.. *sighs* a very hard thing to do.... i went home and got ready for work... and went throughout my day.. everything seemed just a little tooo heavy today, a little too pointless, but i put that down to really not wanting to be there and would rather have been on tour with M.... oh well...

So i know she will have a great time and blow everyone away with her music, its just hard not to be able to be there to cheer her on and experience this with her... but its her thing to experience... i can say that now, having recieved a text from her and spoken to her whilst out late night shopping this evening... she misses me and thats great to know, she also told me she'd left me a note at home and where to look... when i got home and read it.. my god.... you know when people write stuff that just blows you away because they very rarely speak their feelings and to find out, read it there, all laid out for you to hold onto and take with you.. its a very powerful thing.... i feel... very very loved and its a great feeling.

So the sadness i have for missing her will go on im sure, im keeping myself busy though, im going to really try and get some good sleep (it seems that the rushing and working hard to get M's cd's and stubbie coolers, marketing, promotion and organising stuff for her trip as well as working heaps and exercising a bit, has really worn me out).. so im going to sleep, try and finish my degree (finally) i have 8000 words to write on 3 essays... 2 of them on policy, regulation and governance of the internet.... *sighs* heavy but need to get them done and finally have a piece of paper to show for 5 years of effort (on and off) heh...

So im going to head to bed now, hopefully the electric blanket has soothed the cold that lurks within the covers containing only myself... and get some rest... oh yeah and M said she'd call when she finishes her gig before she goes to sleep.. can't wait to speak to her... miss her so much.... absence makes the heart grow fonder eh?

“Sometimes you have to let go of the one you love to find out if there was ever something to hold on to.”

night!