*sigh* its just one of those days.. hmm i think ive said that about 5 times already today and its only midday!! grrrr..... got in nice and early into work.. 8am, to remember that they made some changes to the work servers and all of our machines over the weekend, so everything was almost completely reset... good 'ole' Windows 2000 looking screen.. because apparently winxp theme would just be too much to ask for.. hah... not only that, but its like all of the applications have been reinstalled, everything asking to set up permissions and info boxes popping up on how to use the application... grrrr talk about annoying... to top that off, the program that i petitoned to get to fix some font issues we're having at work isnt working properly so we're trying desperately to make it work so we havent wastered $236! eeeek - that wouldnt look good....

M just called - shes in monkey mia... calling from a payphone to my mobile - counting down the money as it runs out.. they dont have any phones in their rooms which really sucks :( but its great that i got to hear her voice - miss her so much!

anyways i'd better try and get some work done - its 12:20pm already and i havent completed a task yet! ouch...

ttys

you know when you know things are ok but you stress about the unknown? thats how last night was for me.. maybe i worry to much, maybe i get too scared or repeat performances from almost a year ago.. i dont know... didnt get a call til 3am and found it really hard to sleep alone until then... was tossing and turning, stressing, was a bit teary and worried and made myself sick.. sounds stupid but anxiety hey... hmm then i get a call at 3am which i cant even remember the phone ringing for... but calm..... god damn i miss her..... the monotony of work seems pointless.... my bed is so empty... :( 4 hours of sleep...

-- later... just got a good morning call from her.. hmm awesome to hear her voice - its so nice to know she breaks the musician sterotype of drugs and sex whilst on tour (see i left the alcohol bit out for last night haha.. all over in the first night eh?) ah well, its nice to know shes so honest with me and we talk whenever we can... 10 days to go.. hmm im on count down...

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. ~Attributed to Claudia Ghandi

"Maybe its your eyes, maybe its your smile, maybe its your laugh, maybe its how you say goodnight, and sweet dreams, or maybe its just the way you say my name... all of these things should be more than enough proof that I miss and love you like I do..."

So she's gone on tour... left this morning... was really hard for me... i knew it would be though. She was offered about 2 months to go on tour as a support musician (doing her own set first) and backup vocalist for the band... was hard when i first found out.. really hard actually... because of what happened last year, how hurt i got from what happened, you know the whole story.. once bitten, twice shy... plus im really not good at saying goodbye to people i love, even for a short time.. (maybe becoz of old being left in boarding house stuff at the age of 10 with my parents 7500 kms away, affected me more than i thought? who knows...) so it took me awhile to accept, i think its great for her and im really proud of her, its just hard to be the one left behind... with the "what ifs"... but im ok and i know shes doing fabulously so thats cool....

so yeah, was really hard to say goodbye, i was trying to be strong.. and was cool until i went to say goodbye, then the frog in my throat over powered me and the tears escaped streaming down my face whilst i drove away in the opposite direction.. *sighs* a very hard thing to do.... i went home and got ready for work... and went throughout my day.. everything seemed just a little tooo heavy today, a little too pointless, but i put that down to really not wanting to be there and would rather have been on tour with M.... oh well...

So i know she will have a great time and blow everyone away with her music, its just hard not to be able to be there to cheer her on and experience this with her... but its her thing to experience... i can say that now, having recieved a text from her and spoken to her whilst out late night shopping this evening... she misses me and thats great to know, she also told me she'd left me a note at home and where to look... when i got home and read it.. my god.... you know when people write stuff that just blows you away because they very rarely speak their feelings and to find out, read it there, all laid out for you to hold onto and take with you.. its a very powerful thing.... i feel... very very loved and its a great feeling.

So the sadness i have for missing her will go on im sure, im keeping myself busy though, im going to really try and get some good sleep (it seems that the rushing and working hard to get M's cd's and stubbie coolers, marketing, promotion and organising stuff for her trip as well as working heaps and exercising a bit, has really worn me out).. so im going to sleep, try and finish my degree (finally) i have 8000 words to write on 3 essays... 2 of them on policy, regulation and governance of the internet.... *sighs* heavy but need to get them done and finally have a piece of paper to show for 5 years of effort (on and off) heh...

So im going to head to bed now, hopefully the electric blanket has soothed the cold that lurks within the covers containing only myself... and get some rest... oh yeah and M said she'd call when she finishes her gig before she goes to sleep.. can't wait to speak to her... miss her so much.... absence makes the heart grow fonder eh?

“Sometimes you have to let go of the one you love to find out if there was ever something to hold on to.”

night!

its one of those days... im sitting here at my desk and as i look around its like im standing outside myself. people are going about their work and as am I, yet i dont really seem to be here... like im not real or im floating.. its a very strange feeling. Had an awesome weekend, full of music, photos, driving trips, good food and lots of laughter.... friday night M played at the Saint, a nicely laid out resturant and bar, except for the clientelle, which can be a little skanky.... (15 year olds dressed as if they were 30 anyone?? hah) saturday, we travelled down to mandurah for the day on saturday, full car, all loaded up with picnic rug (that never got used), rugby ball (that got more than a workout) and eski bag thing - which harboured our secret bottle of ketchup to smuggle into the fish and chip resturant unsuspectly in a bag so we didnt have to pay $5 for a little container of the stuff.. muhahaha.

So we hung out down there, went to Kings Carnival where we dizzied ourselves on crazy spinny rides and trampolined somersaulted our way through the morning before wonky walking our way to a seafood delight lunch. stopped in rockingham on the way back, taking photos all the way of course... a week or so ago we were curiously digging through things in op shops and M came across this awesome Crumpler bag... looked brand new.. was even made for a canon camera! So i scored myself a neat bag to protect my camera, which i now seem to carry everwhere with me, just on the off chance that there might be something cool to take a picture of.. also helps when i have 2 gigs worth of photo upload available on my flickr account so it makes it oh so tempting to just keep taking more shots...

that evening was uneventful apart from picking my mum up from the airport, she just got back from taking my bro to canberra to check out the uni he'll go to next year... but the uneventfulness was welcomed as we were all so exhausted from our day in the sun and on the road.... sunday was a lazy day.. sleeping in til 1130 and welcoming the sun as we awoke... another music filled afternoon at the belgian beer cafe for M's gig which seemed to go really fast for some reason.. the music was louder than normal.. (sweet cranking of volume eases the pain haha) and really upbeat - was great, sounded awesome... then as we all hadnt had a chance to go food shopping we opted for Viet Hoa (vietnamese and chinese resturant) for dinner.. my god amazing food there... then home to chilling out and resting for the next day.... beautiful.

i think all of this has left me in a somewhat sleepy/vague mood, i can see the work beckoning me to do it... sigh.. but i dont want to.. hah.. but i should - otherwise i'll get evils from the other person i work with on this stuff. ha oh well... and now ive come to the end of this and look back... i think this is the first entry i have actually recounted events instead of just feelings... hmmm.. interesting... must be all that light headed vagueness...

just got back to my desk... the CEO of this new job I am at just approached me and told me that he has had many positive emails about me, about how good my customer service is... wow.. im kinda in shock.. then he walks into the IT office and hands me a print out which reads:

"Mark, As you are aware, I call a spade a spade. I have been critical of the IT department in the past and at times there is still much work to do in terms of customer service. However i would like to commend you on "(insert my name here)".

She has outstanding customer service skills and in my recent dealings with her has been exceptionaly helpful, in fact if she ever wants a customer service job in Sydney that is not IT based let me know. Kind regards,

"Stuart"

nice eh? kinda an uplifting moment to brighten my day! Just wanted to share it with ya! :)

I dont know where to start... its almost like I've got this internal narration going on in my head that i just cant turn off right now.. And in that narration I know what I want to say and what thoughts are running through my mind, yet as I put pen to paper, the words just seem to seep away...

I was reading in the bath, something that I haven't done in over 1.5 months... at least.. I'm reading about a boy who grew up in child abuse, its a true story, and how he slowly realised what he wanted and neeed in life.. makes you think. Now i'm lying on my bed, unable to type as I can't get near a computer, M is recording a song for her self released E.P. which is sounding fantastic, and M'd bro is on the other computer that my brother built for him and his wife so that they would have something to use whilst here and might let M and I have more of a chance to get on ours..

So I'm lying here, it sounds so great hey... part of me feels jealous that its not just me that can hear her recording for the first time.. since her bro and his wife arrived, shes shared so much music with them, that only previously used to be shared with me... I dunno i sound selfish and i probably am, but my gut feeling is telling me that as great as it is that they are here and she is finally able to spend some time with her brother that she hasnt been able to much for the past 7 years... I dont want to live with them for the next 2 years. But how do you tell this person you are so madly in love with and adore, that you want to live like a "normal" couple... share everyday experiences with just them and not 2 other people as well. The privacy and intimacy of a day's actions, a new song, a small achievement. How do I tell her? Stuff between us has been hard since they arrived a few arguements.. sometimes more than a few, (its been pretty hard adjusting to having people in your space all the time and we hardly argued at all before they arrived)... but the rough patches were overcome... and here we are today.. still together and I believe very much in love. Things are great between us, she has her new job as a gym membership consultant at a local gym and the timing that it has created for us, a 9-5 job has almost seemed to balance us more and its great.

Its nice to feel that the person you are coming home to, kinda feels the same, tired from a hard days work and wanting to go to sleep around the same kinda time that you do.. instead of the early hours of the morning. I feel like we are a lot closer than we have ever been, due to this, due to talking more about how we feel and whats running through our minds... more than ever.. and im loving it. I just cant shake the feeling that I want to continue to feel like i do now, but in the privacy and intimacy of our "own" home.. just us.. choosing when we see people, enjoying the freedom, quietness and flexibility of our time, feelings and daily routine. Don't get me wrong, i am happy with M... I just don't want to feel happy trapt inside a box I feel like I'm living in... but how do you tell the person you are in love with and love with all your heart, that you dont want to live with their family for the next 2 years without upsetting her? You can't. You know.. its not that i dont like them, I do. I just dont want them to be around all the time.. i dont want to live with them.. god i feel so selfish.. and i dont want to change how happy i feel at the moment or how happy she feels at the moment by bringing up the issue.. and i know that its probably just the honeymoon period she is going through having them here all the time and it will prob change when her bro gets a job and all but.. who knows.. might be a wait and see thing. I think its great that she finally has some family around.. I just dont want to have to share all of our daily lives in other ppls space... hmmm something to think about....... seeping internal narration.... night..

you know, as i got on the bus this morning i realised just how out of the ordinary yesterday was... it was almost like something out of a movie, not quite real... for starters for the past 2 weeks or so, every day we have had the same bus driver, same average number of people on the bus, and pretty much the same people each day.. as you would expect right? well yesterday the bus was full crammed, like people overflowing onto the bus steps and not the normal people on the bus either... and then there was a different bus driver.. different fare prices etc.. everything was completely out of the ordinary.. like the day had just jumped right out there and switched with someone elses... hmm then this morning, everything is back to normal, like nothing happened...

breaking the flow.. then disappearing... like it never really existed... almost like a wave.. surging forward and then retreating.. the same wave never to appear again unless the timing is right... invisible, hiding, waiting... yet appearing other places, for other people... reforming, restructuring, yet the timing always... just happens... hmmm

*sighs* what a day! and its only 8:53am!

where to begin? i really dont want to whinge.. but hell i need to vent... ok so i look outside now and its all beautiful and clear and sunny.. hah when i was on my way here to work, it was pouring outside.. sometimes things just dont go how u want them to go... so ive been catching the bus to work, well actually 2 buses to work, since ive started here pretty much bar about 2 days where i have been able to get a lift off someone.. sharing a car with 4 people can be pretty hard sometimes, but as long as everyone is prepared to give then it can work. :) this morning.. it didnt work.. I feel like a real arse becoz i made a huge deal out of it but well it pissed me off. We could have organised it so that everyone was able to be dropped off and maybe some would be earlier than they needed to be there, but it could have worked.. except i was told it was too hard.. so i got pissed off and said well i guess that means its too bad i have to catch the buses.. even though before i was doing this partly coz everyone was asleep... but now that everyone is awake, surely we can work it somehow.. but no.. obviously it was all too hard for everyone else... so i drew the short straw....

*sighs* in being me, being prone to being overly emotional.... overly reactive when something pisses me off... and *cough*not being the best time of the month*cough* i was annoyed and it was obvious.. i wear my heart on my sleve and im so not good at being fake... so i caught the buses to work.. in doing so i was texting M to try and vent my frustrations becoz i felt like crap... got on the bus to be told the fare had gone up.. (i had only budgeted for $2 there and $2 home) oh well.. guess im walking home... so i get on the bus, in hunting for my change i manage to drop my phone and its now chipped :( I love my phone... its almost 2 years old.. its a motorolla V3 Razor (silver) and its still in mint condition.. hmm not anymore.. has 2 chips out of the bottom *sulks* oh well.... so then the bus is absolutely crammed and over crowded, so i had to stand up along with 50 other people and moving even to get off the bus is next to impossible... but i make it.. and get off at my stop to cross the road and catch another bus - only to find that the skies have decided to open up with rain and i get very wet...

so im sitting at the bus stop, texting as i was.. i feel bad, i really shouldnt have vented to M but well i just really needed to get it off my chest how i was feeling - even if she wasnt the one who done anything wrong - i just needed to talk. so the next bus almost goes right past me.. speeding in the rain, hard to see someone small standing on the side of the road, trying to shelter from the down pour in a black coat..... but i catch the bus, theres a mate on there for work.. we head to work together.. get off the bus and get drenched trying to cross a really busy road and walk to work....

so now im finally here, the skies have cleared up and the sun has come out.. ironic huh? I called M to talk to her and feel horrible that i might have made her have a bad start to her day too.. not at all what i meant to do. its her first day at a new job - which she will be awesome at and im so proud!! she told me i sounded demanding this morning to her sister-in-law, when i suggested the better way to drop us all off.. *sighs* i really didnt mean to.. i just didnt want to have to be the one that gets the raw end of the deal when there was a way we could all work it out... ho hum.. so ive texted her to appologise but no one has responded...

so today i think i'll be better off drinking my tea, sticking earphones in and just doing my work... not my day so far.. oh look - theres a full rainbow outside...... awwwww