last night was kind of freaky.. it was just like everything fell into place.. and meant to be. I was driving to my mums house to pick some stuff up, got off the freeway exit and just past the exit on a very busy main road was a little old lady who's car had broken down. I couldnt stop as i had heaps of cars behind me.. so i went up the road and had this really strong feeling that i had to go back.. so i somehow turned around through a few intersections and breaks in traffic and headed back to her....

When i got there, i found out she was 83 years old, hadnt driven in over 2 weeks coz she had been sick.. and was heading to a her drama theatre meeting... but somehow got lost even though she had been to the place many times before and then her car started to splutter and cut out on her.... apparently a taxi driver had stopped briefly, called the RAC for (she had no phone) and then just driven off saying RAC would be 10-20 mins or so... poor old lady... Berryl her name was... I couldnt believe a taxi driver had left an 83 year old lady standing on the side of the road by herself, at night ( was about 7:15pm and dark) and there was a dodgy subway walkway thingo beneath her.. no buildings around where she could use a phone or anything.... grrr... so i stayed with her til the RAC arrived, about 45 minutes later... turns out the clutch of her 25 year old car had burnt out...

she was so... lively and talkative, looked only about 65 or so.. but was 83 with a 60 year old son or something... shes into theatre and drama and plays... she used to live in Japan with her husband, she climbed Mt Fuji! Just had so many stories to tell... now for me this whole situation seemed kind of surreal, i didnt mind waiting with her at all. It was like everything feel into place, becoz only hours before i was talking to Mat about how I find it hard to relate to older people becoz i never really grew up with any around me.. then when i was getting ready to go to mums, Maera made me put on extra layers (coz im a bit sick atm) and i was complaining that i was hot but wore them anyway... and there i was... standing on the side of the road in cold weather, but i was warm, with an older lady, learning about her facinating life!!!

Anyways the car had to be towed.. we waited a further 30 mins and a RAC tow truck came along to take her and her car home... and then off i went...

It was like a moment in time where everything seemed to come together.. and it humbled me... she was thanking me, calling me her guardian angel and how she considered me to be one of her grandchildren and how great it was that i had stopped and waited with her.. she even gave me a lotto ticket that she had bought that day.. for this weekend.. i felt so bad taking it but she seemed upset that i didnt want to take it.. so i did.... she has my address and i have hers... but you know.. im left feeling that i owe her... for the connection.. for something.. for the humbleness and calm that she gave me...... its very surreal....

something from my past that right now seems to echo....

eternal voice

Life is a journey
on many different roads.
Sometimes we lift our faces to the sun
and we know deep peace.
Sometimes we wake in the arms of a lover
and we know the joy of being loved.
But sometimeswe awake alone in the dark
and we hold ourselves
and hope for tomorrow.

Through all of this living
in moments of joy or fear or sorrow
there is something within us that calls us on.
There is something that reminds us
that whatever comes our way
we will never be determined by any of it.

It tells to weep strongly,
to be strongly afraid,
to care strongly,
to choose life strongly
and to live strongly in all of that.

It tells us to laugh
and make love,
to run wild on beaches
and to dance in the rain.

It calls us beyond the chains
of our past.
It is a voice
that knows our name
and feels our pain.
It is the deep and eternal voice
of knowing.

So as I sit here and Ive just posted stuff ive written over the last little while... i can reflect on all that has happened. Out of all the chaos my work situation has caused... out of the closing of some doors.... new ones have opened.

Ive enjoyed my days away from work.. Still kind of feel like im wagging on sick leave or something, then i stop and realise that no, i actually dont have a job right now. I also realise that i did the right thing. I got myself out of a situation that wasnt right. I (as i do) stood up for what i believe/ed in and would not stay in a negative unproductive environment. So, i spose im kind of proud of myself for that.. almost like the quote above, "everyone, at some time in their life, must chose whether to stay with a ready made world that may be safe but which is also limiting, or to push forward, often past the frontiers of common sense, into a personal place, unknown and untried..." I broke my boundary, and left. Even if it meant leaving to go to no job... its actually been the best thing i could have done.

Since then ive had a job interview which is looking promising also.. so who knows, within the month i could be working at somewhere much better, much more positive and much more.. me. I cant wait..

From 30/5/06:
----------------

"J came up to me this arvo while i was working and asked me to go down to level 4 where i would be in a meeting with G, J and AM from HR. I was like "what the?" why are we having a meeting? J said it was just a followup and nothing to really worry about... i felt a bit put off that i hadnt been given any notice about this supposed meeting but shrugged it off and headed down to the meeting with john...

got there.. everyone hell serious and i was begininning to get worried. G flatly stated that on consultation with A and J - they had decided that i would be better off back in the call centre. I was upset but kept my cool and asked how come.... G stated that it came down to the people perceptions of me..

i replied with that i thought we had already sorted this out and that those perceptions were based on G's assumptions from not asking me about why i did a few things and had he spoken to me he would have understood. I stated that i didnt know what i had done wrong, and that even though i hadnt liked the decision made a week and a half ago, i had gotten on with my job and ploughed through, closing tasks and complaints etc...

G again stated that they couldnt fault my work, but they felt that i was a disruption to the team and i didnt fit with the team and that the perception of me wasnt good and i should just go back to the call centre. I asked him what he meant by disruption to the team becoz even though i didnt enjoy just being a "complaint's monkey" i still got the job done and motivated other to perform well by having a tally up on the board and boosting morale in the team.

G's reply was that J had told him that i had said i didnt like to be micro managed. To this i agreed. Becoz J had asked me 7 times in one day if i had done a level 2 complaint that wasnt due until the next day i had asked him not to micro manage me, becoz i felt i could handle my work load and i would get it done. Fair and reasonable, i did it with a whole day to spare, just becoz i can do more than one thing at once and do level 1 tasks in between doing my level 2 tio.. (creates space to think and process) and sure, check email, communicate via msn to get things happening with tios (like hardware, dslam, communication to sydney etc) just becoz i look at other stuff ocassionally - it hasnt in the past hampered my work load nor would it in the future... but J used this to say that i was disrupting the team which is complete bullshit... just becoz i can manage my own work load and dont like being nagged like a 5 year old, doesnt mean that i dont get my stuff done, much the opposite.

So becoz of G's "people's perceptions of you" and J's "disruption to team" they told me i have to go back to the call centre.. i asked when.. G (all smarmy and smirkyish) said effective immediately. I asked if i wanted to resign and work out my 1 week's notice if i could stay in the BIT team until the end of the week. G said he didnt think "it would be appropriate" and said he would try and get them to pay me out til the end of the week... (i wont hold my breath).

So.. thats it.. i dont want to go back to the call centre... i really dont think i should have to, especially given my work standards and them not being able to faulter my work. Its quite obvious that its been G's hidden agenda and now he's suceeded.. so... I left...."

for the protection of others... (hah and myself...) I have changed ppl's names... well kinda..

what happened roughly 2 weeks ago
-------------------------------------------

"so they made a decision to split our team, into process improvement and TIO complaints... which is fantastic. its exactly what i have been fighting for since last novemeber when i joined the team.. however in the process all of my hard work and effort and enthusiasm i have put into this job have been shafted and ive been slapped in the face.

Ive spent a lot of effort and energy pushing and making things happen in the company for our team, i have been directly involved in fixing our invoices, tracking all the calls that come into the call centre, graphing and reporting these results to managers and using them to suggest improvements to the company and give our team the visualisation that it deserves, as not only a complaints team, but a team that cares about the company and what our staff have to say about their daily jobs and how we can all work together to make the company better.

Each step of the way i have fought to get things changed, and have things happen to benefit not only the call centre but the company as a whole. Ive butted heads with my manager grant and done my best to make things happen - and a lot of them have... a lot of them have also made me be told to get back in my box, but hey you dont get anywhere if u dont try and make things better right?

So they've split our team to process improvement and TIO complaints.... G has been made head of process improvement - which is a joke becoz all he is good at is collecting data and has always been too scared to make changes and actualyl improve things... for the 2 years that he has been here, things didnt start to change until I came into the team. Now i know that sounds like i am talking myself up, but honestly i dont mean to, its the truth. We (the team) didnt get visability to the call centre or the company as anything other than a complaints team until i started pushing for things to improve along with the help of P and for the changes that needed to be made, to be made. And now they have... except now im the one who's been kicked to the curb so to speak... all of my hard work, all of data ive collected and effort that i have put in has been for nothing.

They have assigned P to work with G on process improvement which is great becoz then it might make grant appear like he's making some changes... just hope pete gets the recognition he deserves... and the rest of us (me, B and C) to work under J (another CSR in our team) to JUST do complaints - no business improvement stuff) ...everything i have done, ive really done for nothing.

We all sat down in a meeting with A (G's new boss) and he said in front of everyone "the only people in this team with a passion for process improvement, that i can see, are G and P." and no one said a word. I couldnt speak up becoz i thought i would bust into tears if i said anything. I couldnt believe no one backed me up or said anything about all of the work that ive done or how i feel about it. Becoz our whole team knew how i felt about making a difference in this company.
Recently ive been applying for other jobs, yes... but that is only becoz i have had no where to go in this company and couldnt stand just doing tio complaints becoz how depressing is that?

When you only every deal with surface stuff and NEVER fix the underlying reasons for the complaints to be made against us in the first place, hence i was pushing for the restructure so that this could happen. G knew this before i started applying and even pushed me to look for other work in a way by saying that i seemed unhappy in the team, but that i needed to get back in my box and he didnt know when things were going to change.

So last night after the meeting grant tried to talk to me, as did B but i couldnt talk to any of them. We were told we were moving desks to i cleared out mine and took my personal things home so they didnt get mixed up and plus i didnt know what i was going to do and was still in shock with what had happened and been said. I couldnt talk to anyone becoz i was so upset and didnt want to break down or appear weak and cry in front of our team or people here.... So i put all of the process improvement stuff i had been working on, on G's desk becoz it was obviously no longer my work to deal with, i left my induction manual there too becoz it was too heavy to take home and i didnt know if when i came in, in the morning we'd all be moving desks or not yet.

So then i get in this morning, im 15 mins late becoz getting out of bed was just way too hard becoz i didnt want to even be here and also becoz traffic was bad on the way in. When i get in G says come and have a chat, so i put my phone on silent, grabbed a drink, said happy birthday to J and went and sat down with him.

He then proceeded to ask me what was going on. I asked him what he meant, and he said that it looked like i had resigned. I said no, im here, what do u mean. he said that i had put all of my stuff on his desk and cleared out mine - i explained why - ie) moving desks and the stuff on his desk was no longer my responsibility since i was to only be doing TIO complaints and that i couldnt carry my manual home and didnt know about desk arrangements when i got in, so it looked like the logical place to put that stuff.

He then proceeded to tell me that I had 3 options. 1) Go back to the call centre, 2) Stay in the team and be happy with just doing complaints and NOTHING else or 3) leave the company. All which made me feel like i was being threatened. To which i did tell G that it seemed a little unfair to be giving me these options now, becoz at no time did i indicate that i wanted to leave the team or that i would have any problem with working under J to do TIOs. It seemed heavy handed to send me back to the call centre, almost like punishing me... As far as I am concerned i havent done anything wrong.

G then told me that the reason i didnt get the position was that I went over his head with things and gave me 3 examples (when i asked for them) as to times when i did this. All of these i rebutted and explained why i did/said things that i did and that he had misunderstood situations and had he asked me about them, then i would have fully explained what had gone on why i had done what i did. He dismissed everything i said and generalised saying that i needed to watch how people perceived me. I said to him that if he had bothered to come to me and actually talk to me about something if he felt that I had gone over his head, then we could have discussed this and he would have understood what happened and why and that there are always 2 sides to every story.

This he dismissed and waved his hand saying its in the past and wasnt important and what was important was that i had a choice to make between those 3 options. This i felt was very dismissive and almost like a cover up of the fact that had he dealt with things that were bothering him in a more productive and conjusive manner, then maybe the outcome would be different.
G himself also admitted that he couldnt fault my job performance, that i was one of the highest performing team members when it came to work productivity and getting my job done. He stated that he couldn't fault this at all. So it means that all of this has come down to the fact that grant didnt want me in the job.

The way he has worded it, also means that if i was to take the matter up with A or anyone else for that matter, it would appear as if i was going over his head and then put justification to his claims (based soley on misunderstandings). So, i cant win. the only option for me i think right now, is to leave iinet. I dont want to, i love the company and think that i could play a great role in improving the way things work in this company and always, even after being knocked down so many times and getting back up, i still care about how this company operates and how it does becoz its the best ISP in Australia.

But i really have no choice but to look for other work and leave the company.

So there you go.. im emotionalluy exhuasted from writing all of this but its the truth. I'd love to stay here and feel like i make a difference, but its been made clear that I have a "perception" issue to others (as G would say) - albeit this has been announced to me based on very misunderstood reasons but i dont feel that i can be happy feeling like everything i have done has been to no avail.

I just hope this company can continue to be australia's best ISP... my role here is no longer needed."