so thats what we're doing... taking it each day as it comes and seeing whether we can make us work again... *sighs* its so not my choice to feel like this, but i have to go with it, for the sake of our relationship. I think deep down we really want to be together, but the surface for her is telling her shes not in love with me anymore.. that really hurts. somedays are better than others, feels a little like an emotional rollercoaster zooming out of control sometimes... too much feeling, too little feeling, mind numbing what-ifs....

part of me feels like i need to have a backup plan.. an escape plan so to speak.. just incase. i cant repeat how i felt this time last year when all the other shit went down, i just... cant go there again. so in a vain attempt to push the pain from a year ago away, im not repeating movements from that time. i wont run to my mums and sleep on her couch, no. i wont attempt to move in with my friend S and then change my mind, no. if it all goes to shit.. there will be something else, something different to back me up. i'll be damned if im going to go down without a fight... not back to where i was a year ago.. that was bad...

so im seeing how it goes, i really really want to be with her (call me crazy but i love her), we're trying and in the passion of the night sometimes trying feels just right.... hehe oo a song! and when u have someone you love to hold, nothing can get you, not even the cold... hahah oh weh... stink!!

she doesnt love me anymore... she said it

came home from her tour and i knew things were different, my gut had been telling me something was coming...

she wants us to stay together and try to make it work.. but how do u make it work when the person you love most in the world isnt in love with you anymore?

fuck

this hurts so much

hmmm well im sitting here munchin on left over nachos... waiting for the phone to ring.. hah.. no really... hmm got home from work after working for 9.5 hours.. (trying to make up hours from having a few off last week to see M off and also make us some more money while she is away..) went to netball... which was fun.. in the first quarter i jumped up for the ball and got slammed by a guy in the side, almost like a footy shove haha.. was kinda funny actually.. he hit me so hard i went flying and it took 3 army rolls to stop on the ground hah...

so yeah got home, was invited to go out to dinner with M's bro and sister in law and uncle who's staying for 2 nights but leaves tomorrow.. but turned them down... not only did i not really feel like i going out, i needed some space to chill out, time by myself, we cant really afford for me to go out for dinner either, even though its only 11.95 pizza, pasta night.. plus i wanted to stay home incase M called... id rather be here if she calls the home phone from a payphone rather than my mobile... at least then i can speak to her for 4 minutes instead of 1... *sighs* so yeah here i am, had a soak in the bath and now im chilling watching dancing on ice, writing on here and eating left overs.. ahhh....

do you ever have that gut feeling that just tells you something is wrong? for the past few weeks ive been worried about a friend of mine who lives over in Canberra and lectures at a uni over there.. her husband lives here but shes been working over there.. for the past few weeks ive been a bit concerned about how shes been, called a few times and never got a call back, texted and got no reply, even asked my mum to call her a few times while she was over in canberra to see whether she was ok... and no answer, then the last few days the feeling had increased... and i was really getting concerned.. so rang tonight and left a message again on her mobile... then about 10 minutes later got a text saying:

"hi mate. sorry i havent been in contact. had a breakdown and went off on sick leave. i arrived in perth a few days ago and would love to see u. i am stuck at my sisters place tonight and cant talk becoz they r all scoping me out. my niece is coming over tomorrow nite. i have 4 broken ribs whcih will discuss later. was going 2 call u tomorrow - u must be psychic! does ur bro want to rent my place? am thinking of renting it out. maybe we can have a yak tomorrow?"

freaky how? hmm makes me realise i cant discount my gut feelings... had the same kinda gut feelings last year when shit went down with M... *sighs* sometimes you just know when somethings going on eh? hmmm i wonder what M is up to.. its almost 9pm.. she should be in coral bay by now, miss her HEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPS... ho hum... she'll be home in a week today! yay! cant wait to see her.... hopefully i wont have any reason to have bad gut feelings about whats happening with her while shes away - however hard that is to not be scared after last year... sometimes it like i dont want to relax about it just incase u know? like somehow being more prepared.. stupid i know but sometimes it just sits in the back of my mind..

hmm i want her to call - havent spoken to her since about 11am this morning and even then that was for like 2 minutes as she was calling my mobile from a payphone (her mobile didnt have coverage and wasnt charging properly either i dont thinkk...and i was at work).... argh.. hmm i might have an early night? will see how i go...

hmmm night