so thats what we're doing... taking it each day as it comes and seeing whether we can make us work again... *sighs* its so not my choice to feel like this, but i have to go with it, for the sake of our relationship. I think deep down we really want to be together, but the surface for her is telling her shes not in love with me anymore.. that really hurts. somedays are better than others, feels a little like an emotional rollercoaster zooming out of control sometimes... too much feeling, too little feeling, mind numbing what-ifs....

part of me feels like i need to have a backup plan.. an escape plan so to speak.. just incase. i cant repeat how i felt this time last year when all the other shit went down, i just... cant go there again. so in a vain attempt to push the pain from a year ago away, im not repeating movements from that time. i wont run to my mums and sleep on her couch, no. i wont attempt to move in with my friend S and then change my mind, no. if it all goes to shit.. there will be something else, something different to back me up. i'll be damned if im going to go down without a fight... not back to where i was a year ago.. that was bad...

so im seeing how it goes, i really really want to be with her (call me crazy but i love her), we're trying and in the passion of the night sometimes trying feels just right.... hehe oo a song! and when u have someone you love to hold, nothing can get you, not even the cold... hahah oh weh... stink!!

she doesnt love me anymore... she said it

came home from her tour and i knew things were different, my gut had been telling me something was coming...

she wants us to stay together and try to make it work.. but how do u make it work when the person you love most in the world isnt in love with you anymore?

fuck

this hurts so much

hmmm well im sitting here munchin on left over nachos... waiting for the phone to ring.. hah.. no really... hmm got home from work after working for 9.5 hours.. (trying to make up hours from having a few off last week to see M off and also make us some more money while she is away..) went to netball... which was fun.. in the first quarter i jumped up for the ball and got slammed by a guy in the side, almost like a footy shove haha.. was kinda funny actually.. he hit me so hard i went flying and it took 3 army rolls to stop on the ground hah...

so yeah got home, was invited to go out to dinner with M's bro and sister in law and uncle who's staying for 2 nights but leaves tomorrow.. but turned them down... not only did i not really feel like i going out, i needed some space to chill out, time by myself, we cant really afford for me to go out for dinner either, even though its only 11.95 pizza, pasta night.. plus i wanted to stay home incase M called... id rather be here if she calls the home phone from a payphone rather than my mobile... at least then i can speak to her for 4 minutes instead of 1... *sighs* so yeah here i am, had a soak in the bath and now im chilling watching dancing on ice, writing on here and eating left overs.. ahhh....

do you ever have that gut feeling that just tells you something is wrong? for the past few weeks ive been worried about a friend of mine who lives over in Canberra and lectures at a uni over there.. her husband lives here but shes been working over there.. for the past few weeks ive been a bit concerned about how shes been, called a few times and never got a call back, texted and got no reply, even asked my mum to call her a few times while she was over in canberra to see whether she was ok... and no answer, then the last few days the feeling had increased... and i was really getting concerned.. so rang tonight and left a message again on her mobile... then about 10 minutes later got a text saying:

"hi mate. sorry i havent been in contact. had a breakdown and went off on sick leave. i arrived in perth a few days ago and would love to see u. i am stuck at my sisters place tonight and cant talk becoz they r all scoping me out. my niece is coming over tomorrow nite. i have 4 broken ribs whcih will discuss later. was going 2 call u tomorrow - u must be psychic! does ur bro want to rent my place? am thinking of renting it out. maybe we can have a yak tomorrow?"

freaky how? hmm makes me realise i cant discount my gut feelings... had the same kinda gut feelings last year when shit went down with M... *sighs* sometimes you just know when somethings going on eh? hmmm i wonder what M is up to.. its almost 9pm.. she should be in coral bay by now, miss her HEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPS... ho hum... she'll be home in a week today! yay! cant wait to see her.... hopefully i wont have any reason to have bad gut feelings about whats happening with her while shes away - however hard that is to not be scared after last year... sometimes it like i dont want to relax about it just incase u know? like somehow being more prepared.. stupid i know but sometimes it just sits in the back of my mind..

hmm i want her to call - havent spoken to her since about 11am this morning and even then that was for like 2 minutes as she was calling my mobile from a payphone (her mobile didnt have coverage and wasnt charging properly either i dont thinkk...and i was at work).... argh.. hmm i might have an early night? will see how i go...

hmmm night

*sigh* its just one of those days.. hmm i think ive said that about 5 times already today and its only midday!! grrrr..... got in nice and early into work.. 8am, to remember that they made some changes to the work servers and all of our machines over the weekend, so everything was almost completely reset... good 'ole' Windows 2000 looking screen.. because apparently winxp theme would just be too much to ask for.. hah... not only that, but its like all of the applications have been reinstalled, everything asking to set up permissions and info boxes popping up on how to use the application... grrrr talk about annoying... to top that off, the program that i petitoned to get to fix some font issues we're having at work isnt working properly so we're trying desperately to make it work so we havent wastered $236! eeeek - that wouldnt look good....

M just called - shes in monkey mia... calling from a payphone to my mobile - counting down the money as it runs out.. they dont have any phones in their rooms which really sucks :( but its great that i got to hear her voice - miss her so much!

anyways i'd better try and get some work done - its 12:20pm already and i havent completed a task yet! ouch...

ttys

you know when you know things are ok but you stress about the unknown? thats how last night was for me.. maybe i worry to much, maybe i get too scared or repeat performances from almost a year ago.. i dont know... didnt get a call til 3am and found it really hard to sleep alone until then... was tossing and turning, stressing, was a bit teary and worried and made myself sick.. sounds stupid but anxiety hey... hmm then i get a call at 3am which i cant even remember the phone ringing for... but calm..... god damn i miss her..... the monotony of work seems pointless.... my bed is so empty... :( 4 hours of sleep...

-- later... just got a good morning call from her.. hmm awesome to hear her voice - its so nice to know she breaks the musician sterotype of drugs and sex whilst on tour (see i left the alcohol bit out for last night haha.. all over in the first night eh?) ah well, its nice to know shes so honest with me and we talk whenever we can... 10 days to go.. hmm im on count down...

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. ~Attributed to Claudia Ghandi

"Maybe its your eyes, maybe its your smile, maybe its your laugh, maybe its how you say goodnight, and sweet dreams, or maybe its just the way you say my name... all of these things should be more than enough proof that I miss and love you like I do..."

So she's gone on tour... left this morning... was really hard for me... i knew it would be though. She was offered about 2 months to go on tour as a support musician (doing her own set first) and backup vocalist for the band... was hard when i first found out.. really hard actually... because of what happened last year, how hurt i got from what happened, you know the whole story.. once bitten, twice shy... plus im really not good at saying goodbye to people i love, even for a short time.. (maybe becoz of old being left in boarding house stuff at the age of 10 with my parents 7500 kms away, affected me more than i thought? who knows...) so it took me awhile to accept, i think its great for her and im really proud of her, its just hard to be the one left behind... with the "what ifs"... but im ok and i know shes doing fabulously so thats cool....

so yeah, was really hard to say goodbye, i was trying to be strong.. and was cool until i went to say goodbye, then the frog in my throat over powered me and the tears escaped streaming down my face whilst i drove away in the opposite direction.. *sighs* a very hard thing to do.... i went home and got ready for work... and went throughout my day.. everything seemed just a little tooo heavy today, a little too pointless, but i put that down to really not wanting to be there and would rather have been on tour with M.... oh well...

So i know she will have a great time and blow everyone away with her music, its just hard not to be able to be there to cheer her on and experience this with her... but its her thing to experience... i can say that now, having recieved a text from her and spoken to her whilst out late night shopping this evening... she misses me and thats great to know, she also told me she'd left me a note at home and where to look... when i got home and read it.. my god.... you know when people write stuff that just blows you away because they very rarely speak their feelings and to find out, read it there, all laid out for you to hold onto and take with you.. its a very powerful thing.... i feel... very very loved and its a great feeling.

So the sadness i have for missing her will go on im sure, im keeping myself busy though, im going to really try and get some good sleep (it seems that the rushing and working hard to get M's cd's and stubbie coolers, marketing, promotion and organising stuff for her trip as well as working heaps and exercising a bit, has really worn me out).. so im going to sleep, try and finish my degree (finally) i have 8000 words to write on 3 essays... 2 of them on policy, regulation and governance of the internet.... *sighs* heavy but need to get them done and finally have a piece of paper to show for 5 years of effort (on and off) heh...

So im going to head to bed now, hopefully the electric blanket has soothed the cold that lurks within the covers containing only myself... and get some rest... oh yeah and M said she'd call when she finishes her gig before she goes to sleep.. can't wait to speak to her... miss her so much.... absence makes the heart grow fonder eh?

“Sometimes you have to let go of the one you love to find out if there was ever something to hold on to.”

night!

its one of those days... im sitting here at my desk and as i look around its like im standing outside myself. people are going about their work and as am I, yet i dont really seem to be here... like im not real or im floating.. its a very strange feeling. Had an awesome weekend, full of music, photos, driving trips, good food and lots of laughter.... friday night M played at the Saint, a nicely laid out resturant and bar, except for the clientelle, which can be a little skanky.... (15 year olds dressed as if they were 30 anyone?? hah) saturday, we travelled down to mandurah for the day on saturday, full car, all loaded up with picnic rug (that never got used), rugby ball (that got more than a workout) and eski bag thing - which harboured our secret bottle of ketchup to smuggle into the fish and chip resturant unsuspectly in a bag so we didnt have to pay $5 for a little container of the stuff.. muhahaha.

So we hung out down there, went to Kings Carnival where we dizzied ourselves on crazy spinny rides and trampolined somersaulted our way through the morning before wonky walking our way to a seafood delight lunch. stopped in rockingham on the way back, taking photos all the way of course... a week or so ago we were curiously digging through things in op shops and M came across this awesome Crumpler bag... looked brand new.. was even made for a canon camera! So i scored myself a neat bag to protect my camera, which i now seem to carry everwhere with me, just on the off chance that there might be something cool to take a picture of.. also helps when i have 2 gigs worth of photo upload available on my flickr account so it makes it oh so tempting to just keep taking more shots...

that evening was uneventful apart from picking my mum up from the airport, she just got back from taking my bro to canberra to check out the uni he'll go to next year... but the uneventfulness was welcomed as we were all so exhausted from our day in the sun and on the road.... sunday was a lazy day.. sleeping in til 1130 and welcoming the sun as we awoke... another music filled afternoon at the belgian beer cafe for M's gig which seemed to go really fast for some reason.. the music was louder than normal.. (sweet cranking of volume eases the pain haha) and really upbeat - was great, sounded awesome... then as we all hadnt had a chance to go food shopping we opted for Viet Hoa (vietnamese and chinese resturant) for dinner.. my god amazing food there... then home to chilling out and resting for the next day.... beautiful.

i think all of this has left me in a somewhat sleepy/vague mood, i can see the work beckoning me to do it... sigh.. but i dont want to.. hah.. but i should - otherwise i'll get evils from the other person i work with on this stuff. ha oh well... and now ive come to the end of this and look back... i think this is the first entry i have actually recounted events instead of just feelings... hmmm.. interesting... must be all that light headed vagueness...